Missing the Merry

Coping with grief during the holidays

 

Last December, Nancy Miller helplessly watched as her 34-year-old son Eric lost his 8-month battle with melanoma. This year, Miller is preparing to get through the holidays while still grieving her child. Coping with such a loss is always difficult, but the upcoming season has a way of making the pain almost unbearable.

"Eric was the one who always got the tree. He would do all of the Christmas-related things,” says Miller, who lived with her son in Maple Shade. "It’s hard without him – and it’s twice as difficult because of his passing in December.”

Keeping her son’s memory alive is extremely important to Miller, who enjoys sharing stories about her son’s love for repairing anything that moved. "He was like a MacGyver – he could fix anything,” says Miller. "We always had cars or motorcycles pulled apart in our driveway. Fixing them was his passion.”

Miller shares her grief with her family and friends, but relies heavily on bereavement counseling groups. "They give you a lot of different pointers on how to cope,” she explains. "You have to express that grief when it’s there and surround yourself with people. I have good friends who don’t let me be alone.”

The holidays pose additional problems for those coping with grief because it is already a stressful and hectic time for most people. The key is to eliminate holiday stress by making choices and communicating clearly with others, says Kathy Kehoe, bereavement counselor at Samaritan Hospice and Healthcare. "Take care of yourself, knowing that holidays do trigger a lot of stress,” she urges.

"Part of the stress when you lose somebody is not knowing how to do the holidays without them,” says Kehoe. "Creating a ritual that means something to you can be very helpful, because it helps you heal.”

Some families may cook a meal with only the favorite foods of the person they lost, or they may visit their loved one’s favorite restaurant. You can also plant a tree or even write a letter to the deceased person. Miller chose a candle-lighting ritual in which she, her other son and two nieces each speak about Eric as they light candles. "We can do that every year at Christmas,” she says. "We can celebrate him before dinner, share stories and feel he’s there.”

Kehoe says that while you might shed a tear or two during the ritual, it allows you to acknowledge your loved one is no longer there. A candle-lighting ceremony only takes five minutes, but then the candle continues to burn, she adds.

Kehoe advises families to remember that everyone grieves differently, so compromise is important. Siblings grieving a parent may choose to have the same big holiday dinner the family had in previous years, but others may not want to have dinner at all. In that case, compromising with a small dinner may be best for everyone.

"Part of the stress when
 you lose somebody is not knowing how to do the
holidays without them."

Planning ahead, Kehoe adds, can also help ease stress. Skip shopping during the busiest times, consider buying online and instead of searching for the perfect gift, buy gift cards or make donations in your friends’ names.

Kehoe also says to plan for social situations. Parties and dinners may be unpleasant when you are grieving, but don’t isolate yourself. Choose in advance what you want to do and who you want to be with. Also decide what you don’t want to do. It’s important to recognize you have choices, and you don’t have to celebrate the holidays as you have in previous years.

"When you’re grieving, you are not your own best friend because we tend to be drawn toward more negative things,” says Kehoe. "If you’re in that mode and you feel depressed and don’t have as much energy, it’s important to be with other people.” She suggests asking friends and family to be flexible and allow you to decide last-minute if you will attend a social gathering.
 
Choose people and events that will cheer you up, make you laugh and allow you to forget where you are for a little while. Consider being around young children or donating your time to people in need, which can make you feel good about doing something for someone else.

Kehoe acknowledges that we live in a grief-phobic society, where people often don’t know what to say or do when someone is grieving. Miller wishes other people would understand that loss is not something you get over quickly. "You don’t get over it in a year’s time or even ten year’s time,” she says. "I don’t think people quite get that. They look at you and think you should be over it by now.”

If you want to be supportive of someone who is grieving, Kehoe recommends saying, "I am so sorry for your loss, what can I do?” Or, "I notice you’ve been staying in a lot, would you mind if I came over?” It’s important to give voice to what the person is feeling.

Especially during the holidays, recognize that a grieving person may have less energy, and while stopping in at a holiday party might be a great thing, the person may not want to stay long. It is best not to tell a grieving person that you understand how they are feeling because you really don’t. Even if you also had a loss, every person handles loss differently.

"Holidays trigger lots of memories of past times with those who are no longer here,” says Kehoe. "That is why it is so important to love and nurture yourself well, be around those you can lean on and make choices that will enable you to manage your own grief.”